БЕЗ ЧУВСТВО ЗА ХУМОР ДО ТУК 2 и 1/2

[slaron]

Ами и аз не го разбрах,ама го пуснах

E, ти ме закла с тъпото на ножа!

[BARETATA]

,ама ако се сърдиш,сории,ако ли не НАЗДРАВЕ ХАХАХХАХ

[slaron]

Ще ви кажа " Чао! " за известно време!
От утре можете да ми завиждате, разрешавам!!!




ОООООТТПППУУУССКАААААААААА..........

[BLACKJ]

Ще ви кажа " Чао! " за известно време!
От утре можете да ми завиждате, разрешавам!!!




О-О-О-О ПУ-У-У А А А...АМИ АЗ .......

[OR-7]

Разузнаването докладва на Клинтън:
- Господин Президент, руснаците започнаха да боядисват луната червена!
Клинтън:
- Оставете ги да прават каквото си щат.
На следващият ден разузнаването (ядосано):
- Господин Президент, руснаците боядисаха половината луна червена!
Клинтън:
- Абе оставете ги да правят каквото си щат.
На следващият ден разузнаването (шашнато):
- Господин президент, руснаците боядисаха цялата луна червена!
Клинтън:
- Браво на тях! Хайде сега вие бързичко отивайте на луната и поставете надпис "Coca - Cola"

хахахаха

[Sir Humphrey]

За знаещите английски (непреводимо е, защото има игра на думи):

(We take you now to the Oval Office.)
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

[Sir Humphrey]

И още малко майтапи на английски (също с игри на думи):


AT THE COURT
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you comitted suicide?
A. Four times.

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?

Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.

Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.

Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.

Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?


THE FOLLOWING IS A PARTIAL LIST OF ACTUAL WRITTEN EXCUSES GIVEN TO TEACHERS IN THE ALBUQUERQUE PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM BY PARENTS OF STUDENTS:

6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
8. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.
10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.
15. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
16. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
17. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
19. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(*crossed out*), diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed out*) the shits.


These are from test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by junior high, high scool, and college students around the world. It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades. All misspellings, etc are genuine.

"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."
"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin, Hydrogin is gin and water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The body consisits of three parts- the branium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five--a,e,i,o and u."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and the moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: pull the head down over the knees until the heart stops."
"For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration."
"For fainting: Rub the persons chest, or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered,then kill it."
"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."


Analogies you probably won't find in great literature:

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield)


Some of the silliest newspaper headlines

Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find The Los Angeles Times, November 2
Alcohol ads promote drinking The Hartford Courant, November 18
Official: Only rain will cure drought The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts
Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men The Sunday Oregonian, September 24
Low Wages Said Key to Poverty Newsday, July 11
Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30
Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows The New York Times, March 10
Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies The Los Angeles Times, March 2
Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26
Bible church's focus is the Bible Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994
Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear Journal of Commerce, April 20
Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2
How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author Louise Hart Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5
Fish lurk in streams Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29
Chick Accuses Some of Her Male Colleagues of Sexism
Accusing some of her male colleagues of sexism, Los Angeles
Councilwoman Laura Chick lashed out at City Hall ... The Los Angeles Times, June 23
Man shoots neighbor with machete The Miami Herald, July 3


DIVERT COURSE

Believe it or not... this is the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US Navy ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by Chief of Naval Operations 10/10/95.
US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
CND Reply: Recommend YOU divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
US: This is the Captain of a US Naval vessel. I say again. Divert your course.
CND Reply: No, I say again, YOU divert YOUR course.
US Ship: This is the Aircraft Carrier USS Missouri. We are a large warship of the US Navy. Divert your course NOW.
CND Reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[ribaflic]

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[Lord]

За разлика на английския хумор на Sir Humphrey , този на ribaflic не само е преводим, но и смешен!

[малкия]

О, Лорд, Сър Хъмфри направо ме закла с това за Конди и Джордж! Благодаря, Сър!