от Sir Humphrey » 31 Авг 2009, 19:12
И още малко майтапи на английски (също с игри на думи):
AT THE COURT
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you comitted suicide?
A. Four times.
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
THE FOLLOWING IS A PARTIAL LIST OF ACTUAL WRITTEN EXCUSES GIVEN TO TEACHERS IN THE ALBUQUERQUE PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM BY PARENTS OF STUDENTS:
6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
8. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.
10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.
15. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
16. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
17. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
19. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(*crossed out*), diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed out*) the shits.
These are from test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by junior high, high scool, and college students around the world. It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades. All misspellings, etc are genuine.
"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."
"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin, Hydrogin is gin and water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The body consisits of three parts- the branium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five--a,e,i,o and u."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and the moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: pull the head down over the knees until the heart stops."
"For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration."
"For fainting: Rub the persons chest, or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered,then kill it."
"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
Analogies you probably won't find in great literature:
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm, Washington)
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington)
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
Some of the silliest newspaper headlines
Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find The Los Angeles Times, November 2
Alcohol ads promote drinking The Hartford Courant, November 18
Official: Only rain will cure drought The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts
Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men The Sunday Oregonian, September 24
Low Wages Said Key to Poverty Newsday, July 11
Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30
Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows The New York Times, March 10
Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies The Los Angeles Times, March 2
Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26
Bible church's focus is the Bible Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994
Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear Journal of Commerce, April 20
Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2
How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author Louise Hart Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5
Fish lurk in streams Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29
Chick Accuses Some of Her Male Colleagues of Sexism
Accusing some of her male colleagues of sexism, Los Angeles
Councilwoman Laura Chick lashed out at City Hall ... The Los Angeles Times, June 23
Man shoots neighbor with machete The Miami Herald, July 3
DIVERT COURSE
Believe it or not... this is the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US Navy ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by Chief of Naval Operations 10/10/95.
US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
CND Reply: Recommend YOU divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
US: This is the Captain of a US Naval vessel. I say again. Divert your course.
CND Reply: No, I say again, YOU divert YOUR course.
US Ship: This is the Aircraft Carrier USS Missouri. We are a large warship of the US Navy. Divert your course NOW.
CND Reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.